This is hard for me to write...

I know I've already told you guys and I'm going to start sounding like a broken record but I need to get something off my chest. 

I have had a fully official, 'let's get you some help', diagnosis of post-partum depression. I've been diagnosed before but it's always been with a view to getting me on medication for it. But I don't see tablets as a solution. 

A long time ago I worked in the medical laboratories in the local hospital. My job was to keep the lab clean and tidy, to sort out and file the various slides that the pathologists used with the microscopes and to help discard of the various, how do I put this delicately, organs. There were 2 other women there doing the same job as me. Only they were twice my age. Literally. Anywho, I have absolutely no idea why but they seemed to take an instant dislike to me. And they bullied me. So much so that I was diagnosed with stress and depression and was given a course of diazepam to help me through along with some counselling. I did everything I was told to. I took the tablets and I went to see the counsellor. But as time went on, instead of feeling better, I felt worse. I didn't feel like myself at all. It felt like I was having an outer body experience all of the time, but I had no control over my body or what I did or said. So I weaned myself off the diazepam, I quit my counselling and I quit my job. I started to feel more like myself again and I got a new job. 

Fast forward 7 years and here we are today. I'm once again battling depression and on top of that, this time I'm battling anxiety too. 

I've had my telephone consultations and taken the PHQ-9 and the GAD-7 twice in the space of 2 weeks and I've been put on the waiting list for therapy. I think they want to try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to try and change the way I think and the way I perceive things. The important thing for me at the moment is that I don't take any medication for this. I don't want to have to rely on drugs to 'fix' me. That's not to say that I disagree with everyone taking medicine to help with their depression or anxiety. It works for some people. I'm just saying that it simply doesn't work for me. 

So now, now I wait. I wait to hear back with my first appointment. She didn't say how long the waiting list was, just that it was quite long. 

In the meantime I have some booklets on PPD and anxiety to read through. There supposed to be some ways in there that can help me in the short term. Apparently keeping a diary helps. I wonder if blogging counts?